I can’t remember in my 30 years teaching communication, cultural communication / psychology and as a psychotherapist ever NOT using metaphors to make a point or to get a message across. Aristotle wrote, “to be a master of metaphor is a sign of genius.” Putting together lots of lesson plans along the way, I have encountered a lot of geniuses in the art of metaphors. Searching for the meaning behind life’s challenges, changes, and daily happenings isn’t always easy. I have found metaphors, turning a phrase into something that has a firm basis in reality, can help identify new meanings that continue to help put life into perspective.
Metaphors can help make sense of our lives. They are a reminder that we are not alone in our feelings. You have likely heard several metaphors in daily life or in many life-enhancing essays, articles and books. They can inspire. Unfortunately, there is no guidebook to finding meaning in life. I believe metaphors can help piece together some of the confusing bits, and create some balance to what it means to be alive.
All of this writing about life has me thinking about the future. Perhaps a few of these compound metaphors will resonate with you. This post started as a relatively short discussion about a few metaphors and has now turned out to be a chapter. Rather than go back to the drawing board, and rewrite it, I decided to go with it.
One of my favorite topics to write about is journeying and, of course, everyones’ is different. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “its about the journey, not the destination.” It seems ironic that we won’t truly understand our journey until we have actually taken it. Think about a vacation, you plan it and until you have been there and come back, what was the vacation about, and why that destination? So, we need to complete the journey to fully comprehend it. This is not useless psychobabble about “living in the moment,” or overused advice or “enjoying the ride”. As long as a person is willing to commit to identifying and defining the journey, meaning can still be derived, even if one does not know how the journey ends. And, it is important to take a few moments on a regular basis to appreciate the present. Routinely, I make sure to acknowledge how far “I” have traveled to get here. In traveling this far, I have accomplished a part of my journey – I am still here, aren’t I, and that means there is still work to be done. Acknowledging my journey is worth celebrating. A piece of not-asked-for advice: make sure to celebrate you!
“Meaning making,” and “uncovering answers” are such wonderful phrases. What concerns me more then answers are the questions. Most people are familiar with the common metaphor, peeling back the onion. Some use that expression as a metaphor for what takes place during the process of self-discovery. A person engaged in this process slowly begins to peel back the skin of the onion revealing layers below in order for the hidden parts to emerge. It’s quite simple really, but, behold-the-ultimate truth, it is not easy. In fact, peeling back the onion, layer by layer, can also sting the eyes, make them tear, and be downright uncomfortable, even to the point of making a person cry. Life can be grand, and not so grand, sometimes at the same time. If that isn’t a truth about growth and life, I don’t know what is!
With every layer we peel back, we can potentially face great truths we might not have realized before. I find humor in the saying, “anyone who isn’t embarrassed of who they were last year probably isn’t learning enough.” So, if it’s uncomfortable, “why peel back the layers?” Socrates said “the unexamined life is not worth living.” Socrates believed that philosophy – the love of wisdom and he also believed in the value of education. For Socrates, it was the most important pursuit above all else. Socrates exemplified, more than anyone else in history, the pursuit of wisdom through questioning and logical argument by examining and by thinking. His “examination” of life spilled out into the lives of others, such that they began their own “examination” of life. Whether a person chooses to pursue a life of examination is their choice.
So, consider onions, like life, they are tasty (for some). My wife is not a fan of onions, even grilled. And, as a self-proclaimed onion-fan, I have observed when they are peeled, they can be used in a way that is totally different from how they were originally harvested. Two interesting facts I found out about onions – they are edible right out of the ground and can be eaten at any stage of growth. And, obviously onions can be stored and not eaten right away. Secondly, each leaf on an onion plant represents one layer of the bulb. As the onions grow, they push themselves out of the soil and the outermost layer of the bulb begins to turn papery. As the onion reaches full maturity, the leaves begin to yellow and fall over. The connection to life – instead of being a thick, protected orb with all sorts of potential (imagine our adult defenses), it becomes vulnerable. With life, it seems that it is only in the unpeeling (discovering), chopping (analyzing), and making us cry/struggle/wrestle (healing) that we learn, grow, and become our true selves.
The pain of grief is just as much a part of life as the joy of love; it is, perhaps, the price we pay for love, the cost of commitment.
Colin Murray Parkes
My confession, continuing to peel back the onion is worth it. I talk a lot about struggle in my blog posts and it is where I seem to find myself these days. I experience the trails and tribulations, and have learned that unhappiness in life is due to comparison, so perhaps it is enough to say, I am still standing. Joy being the goal, not happiness. And, I am beyond grateful. The intensity of joy or sorrow may very well depend on the preparation we do beforehand. Perhaps a strange statement, and accepting life on life’s terms is powerful, and while ”faith can move mountains, don’t be surprised if God hands you a shovel” Life is certainly unpredictable, so even preparation might not be enough, and it is still far better than doing no prep work. We definitely got a lesson on that from Harold Kushner in When Bad Things Happen to Good People. He spoke about why even the best of people sometimes suffer from adversity, and how we can turn our pain into something meaningful instead of lamenting it. If you are interested in reading more about this, check out Ralph Lewis’ discussion on Kushner’s premise here.
At this point, the discussion could end here, and short of making this post truly TL;DR; l am going to mix in some other metaphors – just like mixing a salad, and see how they interact because there is more to the journey than just examining our lives, planning our journey – not necessarily the one we had in mind and one that might not yield all that we want, and the need to accept life on life’s term.
So, another season has arrived. (So many metaphors!) It’s summer. It’s hot. Don’t get dehydrated. If onions are not your thing, because they make you cry, or require more examination than you desire at this time, take them out of the salad, or as my wife does, just pile them on my plate. I love this stuff. And, like with any meal, don’t forget to drink plenty of water. Beer, wine, soda and perhaps an occasional Bloody Mary, sure, and water is critical for life. Don’t allow yourself to get too thirsty. And, what is thirst? Thirst is just the brain’s way of warning that a person may be getting dehydrated because they are not drinking enough. Thirst may just be the first sign.
There is an old Chinese proverb that says, “Dig the well before you are thirsty.” What a wonderful metaphor. See a sign, act on it. There is great wisdom in preparing for the inevitable. And, the time to dig a well is not when a person is weak and dying of thirst. There’s the metaphor. Now, let’s mix the salad.
Relationship discussions, a big part of the journey, are always pertinent these days, so it got me thinking how can I use metaphors to talk about them. Human beings were never meant to be alone, and everyone is connected, so… Can we use peeling back the onion and digging the well to uncover some truths about self and our relationships with others? Let’s face it, we choose to peel onions, not drinking enough water, okay maybe that is a choice too, and not drinking enough can be life threatening, whereas, examining one’s life, a layer at a time, that is not necessarily life-threatening. And, there is a truth that all the aforementioned activities, peel, drink, and dig, have consequences. Life presents us with lots of choices. With our relationships, some satisfy at times, some not. The good times and the not-so-good times are inevitable. Remember, I said life has an interesting way about it, and my not-asked-for-advice again – one would do well not to underestimate the power of preparation and a little pre-planning. So, plant some seeds, and “don’t forget to drink water and get some sunlight because [we are] basically a house plant with more complicated emotions.”
Marriage partners begin their lives with the feeling of being in love as M. Scott Peck wrote in The Road Less Travelled, and as the in love begins to wane, that is when the work of “real love” begins. Love, the verb, that is. If not tended to, over time relationships can become less satisfying, “what is becomes what was,” especially if not watered. The result – no effort is put into nourishing the relationship. Discovering the why, what and how, might include peeling back the layers and uncovering certain realities that life’s journey might hold for the partners. But, you might say, I don’t need this, my relationship is great! This is not anything new. In that case, congratulations, and now still might be a good time to peel, drink, and dig.
My years of observation and study have found the best time to strengthen one’s relationship is when things are still going well. It may seem counter-intuitive and couples who work on themselves, and their partnership while they still like each other, not just love each other, have a much higher chance of having a satisfying, life-fulfilling relationship. To which I would expect to hear “Of course, I know that. Isn’t that what people say, especially, when they are happy in love”?
I believe, and perhaps you do too, that the time to enhance positive-relationship-bliss is in the present, and it is ongoing. When living one’s best life, it is not the time to be become complacent. (And, if it isn’t presently your best life, that’s okay, it doesn’t mean you cannot bring that plant back to life.) Developing those rituals, habits and practices that allow you to be the best version of yourself, and not only that, the the best version of the relationship is life-enhancing. Can the attempt to enhance one’s relationship be uncomfortable? It doesn’t have to be, especially if the emphasis is placed on self and the other person in the relationship. Uncovering parts of oneself might sting a little. Is it worth it? Honestly, this is part of the reason behind my musings, I believe it makes me a better me, a better partner, dad, brother, member of a community and a better human being. Again, my musings, your choice.
Making time for oneself and one’s significant other, finding and having separateness in one’s togetherness – has there ever been a simpler formula for relationship-success? Do I even need to say it, simple, does not mean easy, it can be hard, and hard doesn’t mean bad. Taking time for self will lead to more positive interactions with others. When stressed, emotions run high, which in turn limits one’s ability to think clearly, and inhibits a person’s ability to separate their thoughts from their feelings. One of Stephen Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Effective People is listen first to understand, then to be understood and it is importantly followed by think win-win. Upon completion of one’s tasks an individual can minimize and/or learn to manage stressful situations allowing them to be present for their significant others – its natural and simple, but not always so easy. Just like exercising one’s body, to do it consistently can be a lot of hard work. Routines, rituals, and habits can be really useful here. Developing satisfying relationships and healthy habits when things are going well makes sense, and that same practice can carry oneself and a couple through times when the inevitable struggles of life show up.
So, ”digging the well” before a person is thirsty means that the person won’t die of thirst while they are digging, which can happen, add in peeling to the equation and the salad my be real tasty and just what the doctor ordered. Having a healthy self means just that, heal they self. It is never too late. That may also be a part of the journey, and we won’t know it until the journey is complete.
I would be remiss not to mention this. As I have stated in previous posts, listening may be the best elixir for whatever ails a marital or dating relationship, a parental relationship, a sibling relationship, “just” a friendship, and perhaps above all else, you. Listening to your thirst may be where the magic begins and that requires willingness. Willingness to act, and if necessary, even reluctantly or begrudgingly. Why? Because of the consequences of “not doing” versus the benefits of ”doing.”
And, as far as relationships go, I stand by the fact that in any dispute, any conflict, a critical question must be answered. Are both parties in the dispute willing to step into the balcony, to climb the stairs, no matter how steep – to do the work – to listen to one another, and discuss. Once in the balcony, there are another series of steps which allow both parties to look down and see each other’s position. Simple, not easy, in fact, this can be downright hard. Will it produce a resolution? Can’t say. And, if you never try…. Have you ever attempted to see someone else’s perspective in the midst of an argument? And, here’s the kicker, sometimes just being willing to climb the stairs to get in the balcony is enough to secure the needed good will and trust to keep the argument and the participants from spiraling out of control. Plant watered, even for the moment. Then comes the necessary decisions about space to grow, the right temperature, light, water, air, nutrients, and time. And, listening to oneself, consider all of the above, think of the consequences of not listening, and that same process is similar to dealing with one’s own ”inner”conflict?
And, I am going to bounce back to the relationship piece between two people again. And, I do encourage thinking about self-listening.
Of course, serious conflict in a relationship has to be based on two willing partners wanting to do the work. If the relationship is well-nourished, the ability to resolve and grow the relationship can be effectively managed. It is like a muscle becoming stronger, in a word, enhanced. I will let you in on a not-so secret, secret. My wife and I made the decision in our marriage never to use the “d” word. It is not an option, and that has provided safety, and a space for us to grow. Our mantra is, whatever it takes. Not wanting to climb stairs, or do the work – as in actively listening to one another, suspending judgement, seeing the other’s perspective, and when we don’t, that is a signal. Like thirst, something is not right. In conflict, chances are, something deeper is going on, and that is where peeling and digging, can prove useful. That is love, that is the verb version. It’s about listening to self, the relationship, and one’s significant other. Not-requested-advice #3, pay attention to your thirst.
Unfortunately, individuals who postpone or fail to work on themselves before they get “thirsty,” as well as struggle with their relationships run the same risk of falling into bad shape. Failing to plan, is planning to fail – Benjamin Franklin. Individuals who postpone working on their “knots” until they are they begin untying the chains that are keeping them stuck may be suffering the same fate as the couple who are also postponing digging the well. A couple’s willingness and patience with the digging process, both within themselves and with the relationship may come down to experience. That comes with effort, patience with the process, and time. Hindsight, after all, is 20/20. Young couples may want to ease their “thirst” momentarily, patch it up like a band aid, and unfortunately, they may be shortchanging themselves of a great opportunity.
Where to begin nourishing the plant and applying these metaphors? Consider “uncovering,” as part of the journey. In a relationship, consider the times when you do not feel kind. I heard a great piece of advice: the time to be kind is when you don’t feel like it. Check out 4 Ways to Be Kind When You Don’t Feel Like It here.
Let’s choose kindness, even if we don’t feel like it sometimes. Taking the high road can be lonely, but it’s never wrong being kind.
Not-requested-advice #4. Ask yourself if it is worth peeling back layers when you ready? Make that commitment to yourself. Maybe it is more than you can handle at this moment in time. Maybe, it’s too “hot.” Does it have to be done separately from working on your relationship? Not necessarily. Are you willing to do both? Not sure? Talk with your significant other. Again, the good will and trust engendered might be just what the relationship needs. Another popular Chinese proverb “The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.” If a person wants success and growth in the future, the best time to act is now, to have started yesterday. The second best is today.
Many times throughout the course of my latest endeavor, writing this blog for instance, I have had to remind myself, simple, does not mean easy. And then, I seek guidance from multiple sources, one of those sources is the ”instruction manual.” I find that, at the very least, the commentary has not let me down. Are they simply metaphors? Is it just a novel? Cryptic, about this right now, and lots to explore, and in the meantime there is something to the ancient wisdom that is so practical for today’s questions. An example was the 49 day period of the Omer that I wrote about a few weeks back. I asked a lot of questions. What are these chains that keep me bound? How about you? What, if anything, is holding you back? How do we leave that metaphorical “Egypt” for the “Promised Land”? How long must we wander in the desert? Where is the metaphorical “Moses” when you need him? And, there is so much to learn from ”Moses”. Didn’t catch that discussion? You can check that out here. Okay, too much here to unpack and all those metaphors, and I think you see the proverbial stage, the view from the balcony. The willingness to climb the stairs, one step at a time to do the work.
So, ”digging the well,” ”peeling the onion,” and a few other metaphors mentioned in passing might provide a clues discovering ways handle life’s challenges, changes, and daily happenings. There are many tools, and much wisdom out there. A few simple ones for the relationships in your life: having gratitude and saying thank you to your partner for the small things; being accepting, rather than blaming; and here is one more that can be added to the “workout” – doing at least one thoughtful thing each day for each other. Here is an exercise my wife and I did on our 21st wedding anniversary. We are still engaging in it months later, and it has become unconscious our parts, I would say we have internalized this particular step. If you are not aware of yours and your partner’s love language, take the test here. Check it out. See if you can do it consistently, make it a habit, select one item that meets their love language, and WHILE YOU ARE AT IT, DO ONE FOR YOURSELF. Show yourself some love.
Oh, and one more thing, about those pesky onion layers, there will always be another layer to peel back. Even when we think we are “done”—Haha! No way. Check out my essay when in a hole, stop digging, the process can truly be an autobiography in chapters. Check it out here. Wait a minute, haven’t you been saying not to dig when you are thirsty? Yes. The time to dig is BEFORE you get thirsty, and after reading the autobiography in that previous post, it might provide clues to why changing behaviors is a process.
Our next lessons and learnings will come, bringing with them choices on peeling back more layers, providing more opportunities to view our core, allowing for opportunities to flex when needed. More about core-flex-and-knots to come.
Confessions of a Cowtown Culturalist 
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