Confession: I always thought I had more answers than I actually do. Am I alone with that idea? After all, don’t we all think what we know is accurate, correct, and the right thing to do? If not, why would we do it, think it, or profess it? Nevertheless, that is not an excuse, it is a confession. As I get a little older, quickly approaching the beginning of the third-third of life, I am beginning to recognize that is part of the reason for my writing. These posts and and the creation of my blog are my inconclusive musings — the process of trying to figure it out and add some value.
Sometimes it seems that the pursuit of attempting to figure it all out is at odds with what I am trying to achieve. Take for instance this choice to write. At times I feel like a slave to my commitment to write. Do you ever feel or think that your attempts at accomplishing something are compromising you, and that you might be better to just quit?
For the past few months, having taken time off from my day job, I have been considering whether to call it a day and end the pursuit of that pursuit or writing. I am tired of striving to be, rather than just being. Sounds a little cynical. I mean, perhaps my talents and energy can be better used elsewhere, although I’m not sure where. Anyone have those feelings or those thoughts?
And yet something compels me to keep it up. How about you? It seems silly to stop until I can articulate why I should stop. It seems silly to put an end to something just because I am a little tired. So I continue. I often wonder if I am making it harder than it needs to be (almost certainly, yes). Life is simple, but it is not easy. There is a part of me that has long believed that everything will break open for me when I muster the courage to speak about the things I fear to express. When I talk about what’s real. When I share more of the process and less of the answers.
We live in a culture that conditions us to believe that value lies in having the answers. The effort to have it all figured out is exhausting. And it also belies the fact that sometimes the most important part of the process is the questioning. The part of me that knows this is in tension with the part of me that is still resisting going to those places and opening those doors.
I think a lot about living one’s purpose and openly admit that I believe the blueprint for living is ancient, sometimes misunderstood, and because it has stood the test of time should at least be considered. As I heard recently a Rabbi write “it seems to me that while the writers of the Torah were relating to a specific person at a specific time, their message is eternal and fitting for the entirety of our generation as well.” I understand this is not for everyone, and I admit this line of thinking is not the only way, just the way I am choosing to live. Do you have a ritual that allows you to be the best version of yourself? Week-after-week, I wish that for others in my week’s end Shabbat message.
In a previous blogpost I wrote about the archetype of the mother, the shekinah. An archetype is someone or something considered to be the perfect example of a particular kind of thing or person because it or they embody all the most important characteristics. In a similar vein, the biblical archetype of a person who possess the perfect characteristics of endurance, willpower, drive, determination, sustainability, persistence, perseverance, patience, and achievement in the Torah was Moses; a reluctant hero and prophet. He tried to resist God’s call, claiming he wasn’t fit for the task. But ultimately he could not shirk his duty and responsibility. Obviously, we are not Moses, yet, he makes for an interesting archetype.
I believe each of us are here for a reason and a purpose— maybe even more than one. Furthermore, I believe there is virtue in the persistence to find that purpose. Sometimes it requires a meandering path of experiments and experiences before we hear the message. Once we hear the call, it’s on us to bring the best qualities of the Moses archetype to pursue that mission. Sounds relatively simple, right? But, not easy. Partly, it is the resistance, and resistance is futile if one does not pursue their calling, and that resistance can wreak havoc in one’s life. Havoc that can manifest in many ways that can range from free floating anxiety, to multiple knots that keep an individual in a state of jumping from one thing to another — jobs, relationships, and personal goals — if we are not careful — depression, that can range from occasional, to one requiring professional help. Okay, let’s take this discussion down a notch, it’s getting a little heavy. These are musings below are part and parcel of my pursuit. Maybe you have one similar.
Is writing a commitment that is in pursuit of my calling, is there a sophisticated form of resistance to that pursuit or any others? Are there things we believe we are supposed to do and is there something that gets in the way?
Sharing my journey through blogging is my version of practicing in public. It’s a way to open the door with the hope that my process can serve others in some form. At the very least, it’s cathartic. Even if I can’t see how at this moment. Perhaps sharing my process is part of my purpose. Perhaps embracing this purpose will create more resoluteness and less oppression. If surrendering to this calling and the challenges associated with it, this practice, is needed as an actual acknowledgement. Saying out loud, or writing it, I realize I have the power to quit and move on to a new experiment.
There is a choice to surrender or not to quit.
So, I have been writing about a healing ritual, an ancient one – conceived three thousand years ago, and one that has a unique interpretation. This counting of the Omer journey is ritual. A healing journey conceived of through a blueprint. A method to consider obstacles that need to be overcome. The Moses archetype demonstrates active trust—trust in one’s own capacities, as well as working with others to overcome any and every obstacle. Acknowledging my own personal limitations in overcoming obstacles may require surrender. I am beginning to see how that works. Unfortunately the idea of surrender is not necessarily a positive one or a way to achieve. it is often communicated to never, ever quit. never surrender. So, a little more explanation of what I believe it means to surrender.
Surrender is not giving up or giving in—it is giving way. Emergents, whether a young adult, or someone undergoing all number of transitions, are encouraged to have some plan for a path on how to grow or in other instances, how to change. Yet, the path is never without some form of accommodation.
Perhaps obstacles when they are not able to overcome, simply, but not easily, need to be accepted—surrendered to. When we accept reality as it is and know that (at least for the moment) we are not overcoming an obstacle–we surrender. For instance, a business, a relationship or a personal goal may not succeed or turn out the way we planned—but that outcome can go in a different direction than originally considered. With its going we may need to mourn, while acknowledging that we are not in control. There is the human realization of mourning and it is also a spiritual realization. I believe this spiritual realization is the essence of humility—to realize our human limits and give way to our soul’s purpose and a higher power, for some that may be God.
Some questions I continue to think about on this leg of the journey.
- How am I living my purpose?
- Do my goals and mission represent my highest and best self?
- Am I using my gifts and talents to contribute to the world in a way that I believe I can?
How would you answer those questions?
Confessions of a Cowtown Culturalist 
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