Marital discord and the effects on the children. A model for relationship and societal healing. Part 1

Where does one even begin to verbalize the heartache and the outrage of what transpired last week in Uvalde, Texas. Twenty-one lives taken, murdered, the majority, fourth graders, the trauma inflicted on the children who survive and the unimaginable grief and suffering of the parents and siblings of the victims.

I had been working on a post about marital relationships. I thought about revising it, and being that we are, once again embroiled in conversations regarding so many intervening topics: mental health, politics, lobbyists, money, and power; I decided maybe I can write some ideas on where I believe there is a breakdown in society. One area considered – the family. As individuals venture out in the world, their socialization in the family plays a critical role. This is not meant to trivialize what happened and it is not a ”this is why it happened.” It is also not about blame. Rather, it is to consider a major building block in the infrastructure of culture – the family. After all, family is everyone’s first culture. Family culture influences the way family members think, feel, and act on a daily basis. For example, how individuals handle arguments and conflict. A person’s family culture influences their moral compasses, beliefs, and values. From big life choices and actions to small details, family culture is a big part of what makes us, us. The interaction between cultures is the other part, not just interpersonal, but intercultural communication.

I decided to break this discussion into two parts, introducing the topic in the first and briefly summarizing what I consider in the next post. 

Specifically, I thought about conversations between spouses, one of the most important relationships when it comes to raising children and marital harmony. Children may not understand conflict between parents, and that is if he/she (or they) are in a two-parent home. I made an intentional choice not to talk about children raised in single-family homes, or worse, those families that involve horrific trauma, i.e physical abuse or in the case of recent mass shooting, the trauma experienced in the family. Then there are the shockwaves that emanate from those atrocities. I cannot begin to discuss the ramification that this horrific tragedy will have on the lives of the survivors and society down the line. Does that mean there is no hope moving forward, that this subject is moot? Absolutely not. I am musing about prevention. Improving civil, respectful discourse. Where does society even begin? How about with the children?

No question: being present for children is important, spending quality time with children also important, then there is building trust – that’s critical. Turning to the “sages” in the various forms and psychological sources, I looked at the connection between modern psychological theory and ancient wisdom on important themes in marriages – handling arguments and conflict and simultaneously being able to satisfy one’s needs in a marriage and the all important consequences on the children. Children, and marriage, why start there? If people are lacking in that department – how can society ever think they can build trust with others, especially those they disagree with?

John Gottman, Ph.D. is world-renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction, including the study of emotions, physiology, and communication. I am a strong believer and a student of his work and have been since graduate school. At 80 years of age, Gottman is a sage. He has a strong spiritual maturity, and a lot of wisdom to impart to this generation. Gottman’s thoughts on marriage and his words continue to influence my beliefs.  Closely aligned with my belief that love is not a noun, rather it is a verb is similar to the way he describes trust as also a verb.

Trust is an action. It is not what you or I do, but what our partner does. [We] found that we trust because of what our partners do.

Science now tells us that trust grows from how each of us treats our partners. In each situation when our needs compete with those of our partner’s, no matter how small or large, we each chose to act [either] in our self-interest or in the interest of our partner. Trust springs from the choice to take care of our partner at our own expense.

John Gottman, Ph.D

Do you think children pick up marital discord? How about children being aware of societal discord? But I am waiting on the metaphor of comparing society’s discord to marital discord and the effect on societal members for now. No question, children sense discord in their parents. Science has confirmed that the well-being and emotional state of both parents is extremely crucial for the child. From the very beginning children enter the home, as babies, parent’s are on stage. Every expression, every word, every emotion, every behavior is being observed and being absorbed. It seems that some parents believe they can keep their child or children from knowing, and holding the bitterness inside. Think about that societally.

The long-term impact can be considerable, both positively and negatively. On the the positive side: the ability to grow into responsible, healthy adults who are able to have healthy relationships. A few of the other outcomes of children who grow up in a positive environment have shown adolescents and emergent adults to be secure, confident, and have good self-esteem. They go on to have strong relationships in adulthood and are able to manage themselves well. They become open-minded. Unfortunately the psychological literature is also showing there are adverse effects of growing up in a negative environment. Small changes in how children are socialized can pay enormous dividends on moving themselves and society forward.

Without spending too much ink about a child or children exposed to negative environments, it is important to recognize that the effects are long-lasting, well into adulthood, and the societal effects that we are seeing now, are proof positive. Some children in negative environments are withdrawn, painfully shy, think and feel poorly about themselves, and exhibit low self-confidence. They may also have difficulty in forming strong bonds with others in terms of creating friendships and maintaining healthy relationships in childhood and continuing well into adulthood. Is that where we are now?

I am presenting some observations from Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D, who passed away in 2015 at the age of 81.  She provided a rather extensive list, although she noted it was just a few facts about children, they are all worth noting. It also was interesting to change the word ”children” to ”society.”

• If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
• If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.

Example: If society lives with hostility, society learns / internalizes / accepts the notion to fight.

• If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
• If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
• If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
• If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
• If children live with shame, they learn they themselves are unworthy of love.
• If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
• If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.

Example: If society lives with tolerance and acknowledgement, society learns, internalizes, and accepts the notion. They are patient and can listen to other perspectives, even people with different beliefs from those of their own.

• If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
• If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
• If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
• If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
• If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
• If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
• If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
• If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
• If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
• If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

In part 2 of this article, I write about Gottman’s ideas on successfully handling marital discord, and moving beyond it, plus how it merges with what the ancient text discusses. Along the same lines, I also continue to theorize about family being the precursor to society that also has its building blocks. I talk about a method to deal successfully with discord, and perhaps a way to begin to work on solutions. The ideas are simple, but not easy. As society has shown us, and as the seeds have been planted, it has become increasingly difficult for respectful conversations, face to face and on social media. For now, I think it’s a start to look at the long-term effects of parental discord and how it impacts societal discord, and how viewing conflict and argumentation can also act as a change agent.

Next time you meet someone radically unlike you, try seeing difference not as a threat but as an enlarging, possibility-creating gift.

Rabbi Jonathan Sacks

Never be afraid of being yourself.

Never be afraid of seeing another and enlarging your world.

Love is love.